Losing a Loved One

When I was 17, an acquaintance from my neighborhood got shot in the head right in front of me, everybody ran when the shooting started but I wasn't in the right mind. I stood there for a minute while the whole club was emptying, I knelt down to the man who just got shot, my pants getting soaked in blood. That night will always be in my head, although I didn't know him too well, I always think about the people who did, and how fucked up it is the way he died, in a dirty nightclub surrounded by a bunch of fake assholes that probably set him up. But I didn't feel an extreme sadness. Later on, people actually accused me of brining the gun that was used into the club, I had no idea what they were talking about and why they would think that but I just chopped it up to they wanted an excuse to jump me, oh well. I hadn't seen anybody die like that in front of me until I saw our other neighborhood friend get shot and die right on top of the hood of his own car, still didn't affect me too much. I had old friends overdose, commit suicide and get into car accidents, but nobody I was close to, since I've never had many people I felt a close bond with. When my grandmother on my moms side passed, I was sad but not as sad as my mother or others that had spent a lot of time with her, as I mostly lived with my dad and never really saw my grandma Sussie Q, although I did get a tattoo in her remembrance. A few years later, my friend Jeremy died, it was the first time I felt very sad and other emotions I cant even explain, relating to death. I actually felt close to him, we talked about things that actually mattered in life and he knew things about me, that I don't like to talk about and I knew things about him. I couldn't even go to his funeral... even though I had been to funerals before for people I wasn't even remotely as close to, and I still feel bad about missing it. I hadn't had those feelings again even while many more people I knew passed until my cousin died a couple years ago. We used to play cops and robbers together in my grandmas yard, we both struggled with different addictions and he didn't make it through his. That is what bothers me the most, why was I able to get better but he only got worse? I know he felt lonely and sad...nobody was able to help him and he couldn't help himself, that's what tears me up about his death. I have had appointments to get a remembrance tattoo for him but for some reason I just cant. The reason I'm writing this post is because I'm struggling with the thought of losing a loved one that I haven't even lost yet, my grandmother Ciprianita, my dads mother. I don't have many good memories of my childhood but 90% of them include her. When I remember somebody feeding me, it was her, brushing my hair, her, buying me clothes, her, holding me, her. My dad would drop me off at her house at 430am every morning before he went to work when I was a little innocent girl and when I got there she would sing to me. She did everything for me, even when I got older and became addicted to drugs, dropped out of high school, picked up felonies, she was the ONLY one who didn't give up on me. If it wasn't for her, I would not be alive and I truly believe that. After one of the worst things that ever happened to me happened, I didn't know what to do or where to go, I was literally about to jump off a bridge, but instead found myself walking for hours, straight to my grandmas house. She didn't even know what happened but still managed to help me. When I was getting beat up really bad by my boyfriend, nobody ever really cared or got angry about it (not that anybody should) except my grandma, she would cuss him out and tell me if he came over there she would kick his ass even though she was an old woman, lol. I don't remember anybody else ever making me feel like they would protect me like her, ever. It doesn't matter if she actually could or not, just the feeling that somebody wanted to protect me was all I needed, just the feeling of being cared for and loved. My grandma has always accepted me, always laughs at me, thinks I'm crazy and loves it. My grandma is the only person that makes me feel like I can be 100% myself and she will love that entire 100%. My grandma is getting older and weaker, I cant stand to see it and I get very sad at the thought she wont be around forever, yes I know that's how life works, everybody dies eventually. I am just scared and I don't know what life will be like without my best friend in the entire world. Maybe others out there that have lost there bestfriend can help me understand what will happen after. This goes out to all the lost souls out there, love you all.