UNTITLED

When I’m feeling sad, I always tell myself that the best thing about being sad is that eventually I will be happy again. That’s probably stupid but it’s the truth. I wish I had something to tell myself when I was feeling lonely, but I don’t, I just feel it until I lose myself in work or whatever else to the point I don’t feel lonely anymore because I don’t feel anything.

I don’t mean loneliness as in I don’t have a dang boyfriend, its deeper than that. I mean loneliness as in I don’t feel a deep connection with another human being. My grandmother is everything to me, I love my dad that raised me, I still have my mom, I have a best friend but it’s still deeper than that. It’s like a weird feeling that nobody in the entire world has been with me in my darkest moments, nobody knew me as a child, and I mean REALLY knew me. It was just me on the floor of my room sitting still, feeling whatever, it was I was feeling. I have one half-brother but we never lived together long at all. Nobody to help me make decisions or stop me from doing something terrible, nobody to stop anybody from doing anything terrible to me. I still remember feeling like I wanted to belong somewhere so badly, I saw all my friends’ siblings and families all the time and wished I could be in their family, even if it was a complete shit show disaster, at least it was something. They say it takes a village to raise a child and I truly believe that, I believe that because with no village around, a kid can just take whatever shape the world is shaping them into, if that makes sense. The small family that I did see every now and then as a child is sadly just not around, in many different ways, but that doesn’t really matter anyway. I try to explain this feeling but it’s almost unexplainable. I just feel like I’m choking anytime I try to open up about anything hurtful or meaningful. Most meaningful things are hurtful or can be at least. I feel like I’m choking and can’t stop choking until I just shut the fuck up and stop doing whatever it was I thought I was trying to do, open up, whatever that means. How can you open up when you still feel like a child sitting alone in a room staring at the wall wondering why the hell you’re even alive? Thank God for writing, or I’d never stop choking.